I went on a date with a former circus fire eater tonight.

I swear to you, I can't make this shit up.

He's also a published author and poet, but who can keep their mind off of the fact that this guy at one time ATE FIRE FOR FUN. At one point the sentence, "No, I've never actually dated someone from the circus," came out of his mouth. I made him stop right there and pause for a moment to reflect how I will probably never get the chance to utter such an awesome sentence in my life. He said, "You might if we were to start dating." Touche.

I was a bit suprised at how well the conversation flowed and how much fun we had - it was one of those 4 hour long dinners where you never seem to run out of topics to talk about. He seems like a really great guy, so we'll see how this goes...

As we were waiting for the waitress to come back with the tab, he told me he realized this was nerdy, but that he wanted to keep the little coaster that had the name of the restaurant on it as a little reminder of the date incase it turns into something really great. Aw.

After two malfunctioning Black & Decker coffeepots, I'm sure you're all breathing a big sigh of relief when I tell you that I finally got my Senseo Coffeemaker this weekend. So far, so good.
WOOP!

Happy Easter, fools. I headed home to Wisconsin for the weekend. Some of you may remember the last time I was home, my mom bought me the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." This time, I got home and the Suze Orman book, "The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke" was waiting for me on the coffee table.

Seriously, mom. You need to start buying me books with better titles or I'm going to get a complex.

"The Office" pilot episode wasn't too bad. Dare I say pretty good. A little over-the-top sometimes, but I can forgive.

Your verdicts?

Do you think if Emperors centuries ago were alive today and knew that their precious Forbidden Rice was now sold in convenient packaging at the local Jewel and could be enjoyed by mere peasants like me, that they would be rolling over in their graves?

Good to see Emperors were watching their waistlines since it's also fat free.

So, my post about "The Office" sparked over 20 comments. Well, a little less if you don't count Jeff's double comment. Clearly, he's the bright one of the group.

It feels good to know that people who come to my site care about the topics that REALLY MATTER.

I love you bitches.

So, NBC is remaking the British comedy "The Office." Am I the only person who finds it incredibly lame that they took the script and remade it just so there are a few American accents thrown in there? Didn't they learn from the train wreck that was "Coupling?"

I really need a hobby.

Nerd Alert:

Getting misty watching U2 perform one of my favorites, "Until the End of the World," at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Ceremony. Say what you will about this how much you hate this band, but I remember being in 4th grade with my little U2 pin on my jean jacket and really wanting to see their movie, "Rattle and Hum," but it was rated PG-13, and I was only 9 at the time so I couldn't go. It's nice to see a band you admired so much as a kid come full circle. Even overcoming obstacles like that "Passengers" cd they made. Man, that cd was terrible. And, yes, I still own it.

Superfan.

This morning I woke up with an really bad pain in my stomach. I got up to get some Aleve and as I was standing, I broke out in a sweat, my hearing was affected, I felt like I might throw up and I almost passed out.

Nice way to wake up on a Saturday.

I laid in bed for a while until the Aleve eventually kicked in and I could fall asleep. I was a little freaked out wondering if I should go to the hospital to get it checked out, but decided it was probably just cramps and to wait it out a bit. Seriously, are cramps to prepare us for childbirth someday? Cause they fucking suck. I started wondering how I would get to the hospital if I needed to. And that's when I cracked myself up wondering if any 27-year-olds had Life Alert. I could single handedly rejuvenate their ad campaign! Just me and the 80-year-old ladies.

At any rate, I'm fine now. So, Bucknell beat Kansas last night, huh? What the hell is that about?

For the past week, the skin above my right eye will start twitching at random.

It's a tick. This fucking job has caused to to have a tick.

So, let's do the math here, kids. I have a mild form of OCD and now a tick.

Boys will totally love me.

Warning to men and the squimish, you may want to sit this post out today...

This morning I went to the girlie doctor for my yearly exam to ensure I'm not sitting here, dying of cancer, and still fucking going to work. Cause if that were the case, I'm heading to the bars and loading up on Thai hookers PRONTO. As she was about to do her thang, she said, "Excuse me." Excuse me? It's not like she's trying to get around me and oops, my vagina is in the way! Excuse me! I don't know what would've been a better option. I mean, she really didn't have to say anything -I know what I'm there for...go forth and God speed, Doc.

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says...Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!

Wa wa waaaa....

(Photo credit: Phillip Toledano)

You're right Lizzie, not all press is good press. Lay off the tanning booth, and stop bleaching your eyebrows, it's creepy. Oh, and your show sucks.

I've decided to enter a March Madness office pool. Yeah, I really know what I'm talking about when I referred to "Gonzaga" as "Gorgonzola."

Illinois all the way, bitches!

PS. Apparently I filled out the sheet wrong and a boy at work had to help me. I picked Illinois to play Georgia Tech in the Championships, and that's not even physically possible. I'm surprised I don't fall down more often.

It's pretty bad when 3 people you work with on a project are openly talking about wanting to quit, right?

Yeah, I thought so.

Happy St. Patty's Day from Chicago.

Wow, green and pink looks really shitty together, despite what the Gap is currently telling you.

Guess who blew a red light this morning and got caaauuuught by the Po Po? I have a serious lead foot, and considering how many red lights I've probably blown in the past, I deserved it. The only sucky thing is that they take your license away until you pay it. I'm gonna have to dig my passport out of the black hole that is my bedroom in the meantime.

My mom and dad are coming into town tomorrow, and we're going to go to the Field Museum to look at Jackie O's dresses from The White House Years. My poor dad. We're going to the House of Blues later that night to go to a concert, so hopefully that (and a few gin and tonics) will help ease the pain we cause the poor guy. They arrive the same day as the St. Patrick's Day parade downtown (when they dye the Chicago River green) so it's gonna be a little nutty. Fun, but nutty.

At one point today, the phrase,

"Those god damn Girl Scouts and their delicious cookies"

came out of my mouth.

I'll stand still so the lighting bolt will be able to target me with more ease.

This sickness thing has caused me to not eat for nearly 3 days. I can officially pull my jeans down with out unzippering them. Sickly, but sexy.

The smell of mentholatum turns you on, admit it.

Incase you're wondering why these posts are esp. not funny lately, I think I may have strep throat. Things are not getting better, so I'm going to try and get to the doctor today to see why my body hates me right now....knowing my luck, they'll have time to take me in next week. Silly HMO....

There cannot be anything possibly more irritating than being sick and watching "The View."

Stop the pain and kill me now. Remote...is...so...far...away.

Still sick - sore throat, I'm hot, I'm cold, and this totally sucks. I called into work sick today, and there's so much going on that I feel really bad/guilty about it, but I know if I went in I'd just infect everyone there.

Good times! Ugh. zzzz....

Happy Birthday, Kenny!

I must've rocked it so hard at your party last night that I'm pretty much on my deathbed today. It was worth it.

Wally, be a darling and go get me some orange juice. Stop biting me.

TGIF, baby.

Last night, someone buzzed my door. It's very unusual that I get visitors I didn't account for at 9:30 at night. Realizing, I, indeed, am NOT a call girl, I hit the intercom,

"Hello?"
"Police. Let us in."
"Okayyy..." bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...... (I like to give people extra time to get to the door)

I wondered what the hell they could be coming after me for. Was it the woman who threw something at my car on I-290 and they found her? Or the dude ouside of a White Hen who refused to move his car out of the way, who I called an "asshole" who then threatened to call the cops for "verbal assult" and he found where I lived? (not one of my shining moments)

It ends up it was just 3 very drunk Polish guys and 2 very patient cops trying to figure out what floor they lived on. As I was heading out the door this morning, I got off the elevator and noticed a large pile of puke in the lobby floor, so maybe they were in the wrong building all together. Fucking A.

Remind me to move come July.

In the meantime today, please check out Betty R's take on the chili cookoff. Please excuse my hair/makeup. For chrissakes, it was a chili cookoff, I'm not going to get glammed up for y'all.

I'd like to point out Betty R's "I *heart* Jake Ryan" t-shirt. I'm jealous. Aren't you?

Lots of exciting things happening today...can't really talk about it right now, so we'll have to wait and see!

More later...