Ok, so the girl that got the boob job next to my cube also has a calendar of ferrets. This month, the ferret is dressed in a little farmer outfit with a straw hat. I shit you not. Parrots and ferrets are the new monkeys.

I went to get a manicure today at lunch, and it was my first time in the place. I heard a parrot chirp (?) caw (?), and then I commented, "Do you guys have a parrot?" and she said, "Yes" and I asked, "Does it talk?" and she said, "Yes." And then a little tiny dog came out of the back, and all of a sudden, I heard the parrot bark like a dog. The actual sentence, "The bird barks like a dog," came out of my mouth. It was very weird.

Alright...someone else admit it...who else stooped to a new low last night by tuning into the premiere of MTV's "Rich Girls?" Why would Jaime WANT to talk about planning to lose her virginity on TV? Eeech. When you're that rich, do you also lose the sense of what's ok to talk about and what's not ok to talk about on TV? I'm just sayin'...

Surprisingly, last night was another free ass kicking session. It appeared I had somehow magically lost 10 pounds since the first session a month ago, so that instantaneously put me in a good mood. How did that happen?! I haven't really changed my routine too much---the past 2 weeks or so have been spent watching the Cubbies at home and drinking wine. So fuck you, Jane Fonda.

Tonight, I'm paying someone to kick my ass. I'm actually paying for a personal training session for tonight (and tonight only, my friends). Mainly it's out of guilt, because everytime I see her, I feel bad I took her up on her "free session" and then dumped her like a guy out to get laid and never called back. Girls have that magic guilt power, and apparently, it actually WORKS on other girls. Who knew?

I talked to Dave on Friday and he's all about trying to bring the show to Chicago with a few (understandable) reservations/questions. We talked for about an hour, he told me what his challenges have been so far, what his life has been like the past year, etc. In a couple of weeks, he's going to mail me a tape of the upcoming show and gave me an "assignment" of sorts to see if we're on the same wavelength. As a bonus, my friend, Paul (who I mentioned earlier) called me and said his mind has been "reeling with ideas/spin-offs" since we talked about the idea, and wants to help me out where he can. More to come...

Weekend was good....

Friday night, went out with friends to celebrate my old roommate from college, Erin's birthday. We went to this dueling piano bar called Howl at the Moon, which I didn't think I'd get into at all, but by the 7th beer, we were all singing to the piano version of "Livin' on a Prayer." I crashed at Erin's house, since they overserved me at the bar. The bastards.

Saturday night was my first Halloween party of the year. I went as The Iron Chef, Chef Morimoto. It's not as hard as you think to take a white girl and turn her into an Asian man. I tied with a guy dressed as a grilled cheese sandwich for "funniest costume." I heart Halloween.

I Love the 80s Strikes Back has a hold on me and isn't letting go.

I'm from Wisconsin. I wore LA Gear Shoes.

I was on the phone last night with my ex-boyfriend, John, when they started talking about biker shorts. I owned a pair that were black and had neon pink and green stripes down the side, and I LOVED them. Then he decides to share with me that in 1987, he was 16 and working at a Merry-Go-Round (yes, you heard me right). He tells me his manager made them all buy a pair. He then said, "So I wore black biker shorts to work with a white t-shirt and a BLAZER." I could NOT stop laughing. Awesome.

I watched Eddie Izzard on HBO late last night. So great. Hm, I wonder if he's coming to Chicago anytime soon, or if he's afraid of us bible beating midwesterners. Fuck, I just looked, and I just missed him. Have fun you folks on the east coast who get to go. I'm totally jealous.

Everytime I have to get my oil changed or tires rotated, I swear the car guys see me as a walking bank.

Them: "Ma'am, you need new transmission fluid."
"Ma'am, did anyone tell you how bad your rotors look?"
"Ma'am, your front brakes are worse than your back brakes."

Me: "How much is this going to be?"

Them: "$1 gazillion dollars and your first born child. We have a new monthly payment plan that we can harvest your eggs for 36-months."

Me: "Son of a bitch."

I really do hate my car. I shall now refer to it as, "Christine."

Everyone in my office is sick. Everyone. And I just sat in a close-tight conference room with two of them when I sneezed. And then a warm wave came over my head, and I immediately thought, "Fuckin' A." I never get sick, I sure as hell am not going to start now.

I'm watching "I Love the '80s, Strikes Back" all this week. I loved 1984. I remember being in 2nd grade, thinking I didn't want it to turn to 1985, and how much I loved Ronald Reagan because he was our President and he could do no wrong (it was an election year). Oh Lord. I also thought Punky Brewster was a great show and wore jelly shoes, so what the hell did I know?

Cody just emailed me the following:

"I just found a letter that I had to write to myself from GOD at the YMCA summer camp I once went to. That might be some good material."

Seriously, people, if you are in the LA area in January, please go check out Miss Cody perform at Mortified. She is one of the funniest chicks I know.

So, I ran the "Mortified" (see below) idea past my friend, Chris, and he really thinks it's a good idea and has some good potential to be hilarious. He's going to run it past the guys at The Green Door Tavern where his improv group does their shows to see if I could potentially use their venue for free.

My friend, Cody, is going to be in a show in LA called "Mortified," in which regular joe schmoes stand up and read their real teen diaries, love letters, prose, etc. out loud. She thinks I'd be great at this type of show, but all my diary talked about in 4th grade was how much I loved the TV show "Alf" and how much I couldn't wait to watch it. Snore. I probably could do a "Confessions of a former Gap Girl" series, and we all have our obsessive boy/girl stories, which are always a good laugh. I wanna hear some of yours. If you show me yours, I'll show you mine type-of-thing.

Just got asked out by a guy that I met Friday night, however, I have absolutely no interest in dating him, since he's like, 20 years older than me. Pretty soon the way I'll describe dates I've gone on will sound like, "Well, he had a full head of hair," or "He barely needs his cane to walk." Fuckin' A.

I accidently chopped my hair yesterday. It started off innocent enough. "Everytime I sit in this chair, I say I'm gonna do something different and never do." And I mentioned maybe getting bangs. Then I told her about the lead singer of The Reputation's hair that I fell in love with on Friday night. I told her no shorter than chin length. And I knew I should've been more concerned when she said, "Are you ready?," but instead I was like, "Sure!" and the next thing I knew, I have to use products like pommades and root boosters to get my hair all spikey in the back. It's longer in the front (chin length), so it's a....reverse mullet? Oh god. hee, i'm kidding. I saw my friends last night, and they said they loved it, and people at work really like it, so I'm feelin' good about it. Rock on.

Last night, I went over to my married friends, Chris and Erin's apartment to watch Chris's premiere episode of "Sweet Homes Chicago" (nice play on the blues song). Go to the cast/crew section to check out Chris's bio. He's been talking about doing this show for about a year now, and last night, it became a reality. He and his co-host, a woman named Megan, tour various quasi-famous people in Chicago's homes (kinda like a MTV "Cribs"), and I'm just so happy for the guy. If you live in the Chicago area and wanna check it out, it's on Sunday nights at 7 pm after The X files on Ch. 26, The U.

Last night I did something I've never done before in my life. I went out by myself. I am one of those people who would NEVER do something like that. I remember at the age of 11 wanting to go to a movie by myself, and my mom telling me 'no' and 'that's weird'. I think what she really meant is that she didn't want her 11 year old daughter getting kidnapped or murdered or something (yeah, on the mean streets of Sheboygan, WI...it's understandable) So, I've kinda always thought if you did things by yourself, you were some sort of freakish loser. Not if other people did it, just if *I* did it.

After a little prodding from friends--the one from an ex was not so well received---how would you like it if an ex basically told you to "get out more"---you just wanna say 'fuck off, i like my life, i'm doin' just fine' even though he had the best intentions behind it), but the one from my close friend, Cody, was received much better. Not so loserish all of a sudden. And I headed on out.

Bettie Serveert was playing at The Double Door last night, and I knew none of my friends would be really interested in seeing them. All i knew is that I wanted to check 'em out, so I strapped on a pair and headed on out. And I had a great time. Two people gave me their phone numbers, my favorite being from a Swedish girl who works at the "Consulate General of Sweden" named Ulrika Svensson. Yeah, I don't know how to pronounce her first name, either. Something you need to know about me is that I have an EXTREME fondness for anything from my Scandinavian background. Ikea, Volvos, the band Abba, rules in my book (even though, technically, I am Norweigan in background...bah, it's all the same--hee) Fuck, even as I write this, the book, Kitchen of Light--New Scandinavian Cooking with Andreas Viestad sits next to me. I own fish in a tube (also known as salmon pate) in my fridge, and Swedish Meatballs (from Ikea) in my freezer anytime I need a little piece of "the motherland." I am a sad, sad individual, I know this, but I don't care, so fuck off. So, you can understand why it took extreme restraint for me to not start asking the most ridiculous questions to poor Urlika. I did manage to pull a "Do you find it difficult to find things you like to eat from home around here?" Sweet, Megs. Way to play it 'cool' around the Swede. I didn't care. We drank, we were merry. The music was good---I fell in love with the lead singer of The Reputation. Well, I fell in love with the lead singer of The Reputation's hair. Let's face it, strap on a guitar on anyone on stage and they become 1 billion times hotter than before. And at the end of the night, Ulrika told me she thought it was kick ass I just went out by myself. See, Megs? Not so scary.

It's a big day in the world of Megan. Why?, you ask? Because I've wanted one of these since 5th grade, and I'm finally getting one in Majestic Yellow.

Um, my friend Cody enlightened me this morning with:

"Hey, looks like you cursed the Cubs too. Just like Johnny Cash. Man, you should watch what you say! hee hee "

Excuse me while I consult this convenient website on how to break curses aka, "The creepiest website ever." Anyone have a good mexican spiritual cleanser they can recommend? Thanks.

Superstitious fans take no chances
--------------------

By Rick Jervis
Tribune staff reporter

October 12, 2003

Violet Tantillo is pretty sure the Cubs would be headed for the World Series right now, if only she hadn't taken that shower.

Hitting the shower during the Cubs' loss to the Marlins last week meant she had to remove the radio headphones she uses to hear each game. Obviously, that disruption of her game-day ritual jinxed the team.

So if it weren't for Tantillo, the Cubs would have clinched the pennant Saturday with their 8-3 defeat of the Marlins.

"I shouldn't have taken that shower," said Tantillo, a principal at Jefferson Elementary School in Berwyn who always listens to the radio broadcast of Cubs games while watching it on TV. Always. "I feel terrible."

As the Cubs continue their push through the postseason, the good-luck rituals, charms and reverse-curses performed by fans are increasing in intensity.

Players have their own rituals to appease the baseball gods. Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa tosses a cup of coffee out of the dugout before each game, and reserve outfielder Doug Glanville deliberately steps on chalk foul lines while running to and from the dugout (as opposed to most players, who avoid them).

But Chicago fans also are doing their best to help nudge the stars into alignment. The rituals were humming all over town Friday and Saturday night.

At the Black Rock bar in Lakeview Friday night, as the game crept into extra innings, Tristan Hari rubbed his hands as if starting an imaginary fire every time a Cubs player came to the plate, a technique he said helps awaken their bats.

"This is my only superstition," said Hari, 32, a bartender in Chicago. "But it works."

With the Cubs on the edge of their first World Series berth in nearly six decades, the ceremonial intensity promises to increase. In Chicago, one of the more superstitious towns in arguably the most superstitious of sports, that means:

Loyola University law student Andrew Tarnoff, 27, and his four friends will make sure to sit in the same seats in their Wrigleyville apartment during all Cubs games.

Kevin Knepp, 35, a Realtor from Chicago, will wear a battered blue Cubs cap he keeps hidden in a bedroom closet and wears only when the Cubs reach the playoffs.

Tim Schultze, 26, of Homeland Park, to his fiance's dismay, will not cut his hair until the playoffs are over.

The Breitenreiter household in Lombard will keep the bathroom fan on during games, because the Cubs win when it is.

"It's a calming mechanism," said Gregg Steinberg, a sports psychology professor at Austin Peay State University in Clarksville, Tenn. "Performance, particularly in baseball, is unpredictable. The superstition gives you a perceived sense of control over what's unpredictable. The more perceived control, the more calm you have, the less anxiety you have and the better you play."

Superstition has been hanging over the Cubs at least since 1945, when tavern owner Bill Sianis tried to watch a World Series game at Wrigley Field with his pet goat. He was kicked out of the park and promptly put a curse on the Cubs. They haven't returned to the Fall Classic since, though his relatives have lifted the curse many times.

Last week, restaurateur Spiro Papas, decked in traditional Greek garb, led a baby billy goat outside his Oak Park restaurant, broke a plate on the sidewalk, clanged a cowbell and declared the goat curse gone. Another man, deemed the goat's "godfather," kissed the goat three times on the mouth.

"I'm kind of upset about the whole situation with the billy goat," Papas said. "One hundred percent, I will give my life, the Cubs will win on the sixth game."

At the start of the season, Cubs manager Dusty Baker downplayed any hex or jinx hovering over his new team. But last month, before a crucial series against the St. Louis Cardinals, Baker was spotted sprinkling a sandlike substance around Wrigley's outfield. He never revealed what it was, and Cubs officials won't comment either. But the Cubs won four of five games from the Cardinals.

Richard Lustberg, a sports psychologist from New York, said he has counseled football athletes who won't change undergarments and basketball players who don't shower during streaks, but none are more superstitious than baseball players.

"Baseball players play 162 games; it becomes a game of numbers," Lustberg said. "A quarterback is not looking for 4.5 passes a game. He's just throwing. The numbers are more in front of baseball players. Makes them more superstitious."

That goes for fans as well. During a recent WGN-AM call-in show, one Cubs fan admitted to washing his hands every half-inning, another turns away each time Sosa hits and one woman claimed she has to clean her house during games.

"You're dealing with a ballclub that hasn't won a World Series in [95] years," said Spike O'Dell, the radio show's host. "If it takes voodoo dolls and magic spells, we're up for it."

I live in a very sad city today. Is anyone gonna really watch a World Series with the fuckin' Marlins in it anyway? :: yawn :: The only thing i'm gonna enjoy is watching the ratings plummet. The only thing that would make me somewhat happy is for Boston to win tonight, so then no one cares about the World Series but Ben Affleck.

I am looking forward to my life normalizing where I'm not writing every goddamn day about baseball, that's for sure. Bring on the crazy loser guy stories!

The infamous fan's dad speaks out and defends his son's utter stupidity. No one has mentioned how sad it is that he's 26 and still living with his parents, either, but I digress.

Bud Light presents, "Real Men of Genius..." Tonight, we salute you, Mr. Left-Field-Asshole-Fan-Who-Ruined-the-Cubs-Game. I woke up this morning and felt like I had just been dumped. Fuckin' hell.

I have 2 cubs tix in my hand for tonight's game that i have to hand deliver to our client. I am contemplating hijacking the tickets and never coming back here. heh.

Tonight, we're gonna party like it's 1945. Go Cubs.

So tell me, what are YOU going to be for Halloween this year? This weekend I heard a really good suggestion for a duo-costume. Wrap yourself and your partner in tin foil, and tape/tie a heavy-duty string around your heads. Clothespin baby clothes off of it and there. You're a clothesline. Good times. No need to whore yourself out this Halloween season. Besides, isn't it more fun to TRY to get the clothesline in bed?
heh.

So unproductive today...I just bought a pair of pants online. Make me stop before I head off to look for shoes and makeup. But this Excel spreadsheet is just soooo interesting...

My friends, John and Matt came into town late Friday/early Saturday morning. We sat around, drank wine and chatted until we fell asleep. It was so good to see them again. They brought me cheesy truck stop gifts, including an Indiana keychain with my name on it and a decorative ladle with "Indiana" on it. Good times.

Sat. we woke up and since John and Matt both went to Michigan State, we went to the Gin Mill and watched their game. Drunk by 1 pm, Matt had a "great idea" to go shopping on Michigan Ave. The idea of walking into Barneys with two drunk guys was not my idea of fun, so I guided them to the H&M store and Filene's Basement. Figure they can act like asses over reasonably priced merchandise. Which they did not, thank God.

Sunday was truly a great day. We bitched about having to wake up early to WATCH a marathon (much less run the damn thing), but we went and did it, and were so happy we did. We went to various mile-markers and freaked out when we saw our friend, Robyn. So much so that at the last 1/2 mile, we broke through the barriers they had set up and ran with her the last half mile, cheering her on the whole way. She was barely able to run at that point and I like to think that my "That's the fuckin' FINISH LINE, Robyn" helped inspire her to run a little more. I was so proud of her. And she vowed never to do it again.

WAIT. I watched the Yankee/Red Sox game until the 8th inning last night and was so tired I went to bed. The Yanks were up 4-2. And now I JUST found out that the Sox won. Holy fuckin' shit. The devil must be shoppin' for a new fur coat, because folks, hell is freezin' over.

I popped The Faint in my car and bounced down the highway this morning like a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon. Put me in a good mood. The leaves on the trees looked gorgeous today--we must be hitting our 'peak' week. It still amazes me that anything is able to grow alongside the Illinois highway system, but I digress. I felt like I was in a Bob Ross painting. Happy little trees.

The big discussion on the radio today is about how in Back To The Future II, it's the year 2003, and Michael J. Fox's character says, "The Cubs win the world series?! They beat Miami?" So it's a big "ooooo" spook fest around here...

Is it sad that I'm already planning what to make for Thanksgiving dinner? I already called my mom to tell her I'm handling it this year and bounced off a few ideas. Yes, I know I'm a freakshow, but when you get your latest issue of Bon Appetit entitled, "A Thanksgiving to Remember," how can you not get excited? No, I did not ride the short bus as a child...

Hm. No history of breast cancer in my family...
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know this is fake...but it's funny knowing that guys will come up with anything to get more blowjobs.

I could tell I was going through writing withdrawls yesterday, as I talked way too much for people to possibly handle. It's no wonder my 6th grade teacher once told me to talk to the wall for entertainment...

Last night, I made some pizza and had a couple of sam adams lights and watched a great (but sad) Cubs game. We'll get 'em back tonight, don't you worry, my pets.

I forgot to say that one of my most favorite things about John's grandma's house is when you walk in the door, there's a "Glamour Shot" picture of her hanging, taken from when she was 80, wearing a pink feather boa. So fuckin' funny.

I think October is my favorite month. The weather gets cooler and it's the perfect time for a little roadtrip.

I packed up my car and headed east to Detroit on Saturday. The 5 hour car ride went by pretty quickly since Frank Black, Thom Yorke, Andre 3000, Dr. Dre and Robert "Bob" Smith came with me. I was a happy camper. On the way, I stopped by my favorite winery (Tabor Hill) and sort of accidently bought a case of wine there (I'm a sucker for discounts). It's my favorite wine, and I figure they make good gifts when I'm invited to friends' homes, so it was easy to justify.

I got to Detroit and spent the weekend doing the things that I used to love to do (which wasn't many things). We went to the WAB (Woodward Avenue Brewery), where they have the greatest jukebox of all time and hung out with some old friends. Strangely enough, it must of been the reality TV show weekend, because Kim (from "Cupid") is friends with my old roommate, Laura, and I've heard all these CAH-RAZY stories about her (like how she used to date our friend, Jeff, and get high on ecstacy and the crazy bedroom shennanegans that would ensue). So it was weird to finally meet her, knowing all of these bizzare stories about her.

We went out to eat at Bravo, a family-friend of John's restaurant, where a waitress who could rival Adriana on the Sopranos remembered me. I felt bad because I was just making fun of her hair before she came over and said such nice things to me about how I should come back soon, etc. I'm probably more Italian than I think. heh.

And I saw his ENTIRE family. His grandma (who is a kick-ass 89 year old lady..she went back and graduated from high school at age 80) yelled at me for not saying goodbye before I left Michigan. I had to explain that I wasn't in the best state the weeks prior to leaving, and that I was sorry. I'm surprised she didn't tug me by the ear or slap me upside the head. heh. She and I had a little heart to heart, which made the whole trip more difficult. A quick visit over to her house turned into a 4 hour visit, plus dinner. I have come to realize that if you turn down more food, they fill up your plate anyways.

John and I tried out for The Amazing Race yesterday. We had to fill out an applications and decided not to show each other our answers so we could be as honest as possible. Well, when John went to the bathroom, I (like a typical woman) looked at his answers. Some of his answers were really funny, he has clearly "diagnosed" me to a T, but the last question of "What is your primary motivation to be on The Amazing Race?," left me a little blue. He wants us to get back together and have me move back to Detroit after this crazy adventure. I'm just not seeing that happening (any of it), which sucks, because he's a great guy and why is that just not enough?! That's what girls complain about--not enough nice guys out there--and here's one, but I don't want him. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Things I have to re-learn every year when the weather gets cold:

1. How to defrost my car (there seems to be a precise balance between getting fog off your windshield and actually getting the frost off your car).
2. That I have to wait in a freezing car until it heats up before I can put it in "Drive."
3. That your armpits/crotch are not a heater, and buy some gloves already.
4. Being patient with people that don't know how to drive in snow.

I'm really not looking forward to always being cold, potentially falling on ice, and dealing with bad winter drivers. I'm going to hibernate now. See you in April.

I had to borrow a scissors from a girl (blonde, wearing all pink) at work yesterday. While I was standing there in her cube, I noticed a sign that said (and I shit you not), "Pink is not just a color, it's an attitude!" I don't even know where to begin with with that one. I just wanted to say, "Legally Blonde was a MOVIE. Not real life."

Last night while I was driving home, I saw a flock of geese heading south for the winter and all I could think was, "Take me with you!" It's been getting colder and I finally had to shut my windows last night--after being open since I moved into my 'new' place late July. Sigh. I also wondered how geese choose the leader of their flock to guide them safely to Florida or wherever they end up. Is it like a pack of Harley riders where the eldest one is the lead? As you can tell, I don't think about anything too taxing on my drive home. Sometimes I'm amazed I haven't been hit and killed.

I'm buying a coffeepot this weekend. The vice begins...

I'm going to Detroit Sat. - Mon. to hang out with the ex and see some old friends. I don't really know how this is gonna go with him... He's got to work during the day Saturday, so I'm going to stop by and hang out, probably see some of his family (who is always around, it's not like I'm going out of my way to say 'hi' or anything), go to the casting audition of The Amazing Race, you know, the usual...I know the audition isn't going to go absolutely anywhere, but I think it's an excuse to hang out. Is it weird to say that I'm nervous to see him again? I haven't seen him since the day before I moved to Chicago...god, has it been 5 months already?