Last night's MTV VMA Awards? I really enjoyed the opener with Britney, Christina and Madonna....but then Missy Elliott? Wait, is this another Gap ad? Who's pullin' my leg here, you guys... Johnny Cash was robbed. That video is better BY FAR than Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River," but I was happy to hear Justin give Mr. Cash some justice. That made up for it, I guess.

This weekend is Harley Fest in Milwaukee....and I'm starting to realize I pretty much am the only person who gives a damn.

I took the train in this morning, because my car is getting a new O2 something or other. All I know is, I'm out at least $300-$400. The funny thing is, this sort of shit used to get me all riled up, but I've just learned to say 'fuck it' and roll with the punches. I don't know if I'm just easing up with freaking out about money, or if I've just become accustomed to my car being a piece of shit and hating me. I think it's a little of both.

A little into the trip, 3 mothers and their 5 children entered the car I was in. I was fine with having the kids in there---it was the mothers that I was having a difficult time with. "Jordan, we're going on a choo-choo! Are you having fun? Isn't this great? Let's get a picture of all of you guys. 1-2-3, say gorilla!" Fucking A, lady, it's 9:15 in the fucking morning. All I want to do is read my book and not have to listen to you and your 'mommy talk.' All of these thoughts were going through my head as I stared at the 8 of them. "I think I'll be ready someday, but what if I'm not? I kinda like how things are right now. I don't want to talk 'mommy talk' to my kids. Would I be a bad mom if I didn't?" Finally, I couldn't take my thoughts anymore and switched cars. When the conductor came by again, I just said, "I'm not so good with dealing with kids right now." And he said, "I don't blame you, this early in the morning?" Bartender, make mine a double Pill, please.

I'm starting to read High Fidelity by Nick Hornby. I have owned the book for literally years, but never read it because that movie used to hit a little too close to home. So much so that I couldn't stand to torture myself to read the damn thing. Sad, really. And now? All it does is make me want to make out with John Cusack. As you can see, I've really grown and matured as a person.

Ok, so the show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" got brought up today amongst the cubes at work. One of the more senior guys around here said that he's been watching it, but to clarify for everyone that he doesn't feel the least inkling of gay from watching it. I had to be a smart ass and say, "Well, thank God, you didn't catch "gay" through the TV." Moron.

So, we just moved offices and I swear, I sit next to the loudest girl in the office. She's nice and all, but she needs to contract a bad case of "shut the fuck up." Good God. This office we're in is HUGE. They took 4 offices (just in the Chicago area) and consolidated into one. I got lost everytime I left my cube. Now, I know what it's like to have dementia and not remember where I am. Good times. Lookin' forward to turning 80.

People who wear Cirque du Soliel shirts to work = freakshows.

Went out last night with Erin & Chris, and then we met up with Jim for dinner. I joked with Chris on Sat. night that there was practically a UN conference held ensuring that this meeting between Jim and I was approved. Seriously. Pressure. Jim is very Irish and slightly Italian, so he has dark features, and then blue eyes. Very cute. We had a really nice time--he's very much a gentleman and just a really nice guy. We're going out again either Wed. or Thurs. Good times.

I get to call this kid today and tell him that he won a trip to the MTV VMA Awards for next week. I'm gonna make some kid's day today. Who said we're selfish bastards? And then, we're gonna spam the hell out of him. I kiiiid, I kiiiid.

So, I was supposed to go out with this guy tonight, but decided to go to the Sox game instead. I hadn't heard from him, and when my friend, Laura invited myself, Erin and Chris out to the Sox/Angels game, I said I'd go. And then lo and behold, I hear from him late yesterday afternoon. You know, I'm just not in the mood to play the 'don't talk to her for 2 days' game. You know? Yawn. And the Sox are doing pretty decent this year. I heard some stat this morning that said this is the highest ranking that both the Sox and the Cubs have had this late in the year since 1908. Rock on.

In the meantime, Erin is trying to set me up with some BMW dealer she met last weekend, Jim. Apparently, he's emailed Erin's husband, Chris, three times this week to see when we're all going to hang out, and to suggest this restaurant N9ne to go to. Slow down there, little buckeroo. Thank God Erin and Chris are highly entertaining people to hang out with. Apparently, this Jim character is "my type" of guy (what, an asshole? hahaha) and is a bigger guy (which I like very much) and Chris (who is a bigger guy himself) said, "Some say that bigger guys make the best lovers..." So funny.
I'm not so down with the 'setting up' situation, but I'll let Erin pretend she's a little matchmaker. ;) Give the girl something to live for, right? I think once you're married, your goal becomes to set up all your single friends into some weird bubble and watch it all explode for their own entertainment. God help me.

I just went to check out this new Chinese take out at lunch. I've decided to try this new pattern of eating that if I think Asian, and eat Asian-sized portions, I'll end up being 4'10" and 98 lbs? No, but I'll probably end up eating a lot less. Today, I ate my "SmartStart" cereal out of my asian rice bowls (a lot smaller than my cereal/soup bowls I currently have). I dunno what'll end up happening, but I figure it's a shot. I'm crazy, I know. Girls do this shit, deal with it.

I also got 2 fortunes in one fortune cookie. Here they are:

- You will have good luck in personal affairs....in bed.
- Your uniqueness is more than an outward appearance...in bed. (Hm. That makes it sound like I have weird hidden growth).

I must be the luckiest girl alive, seriously, at times. Last night on my drive home from work, I was trying to change lanes in dead traffic when I hit the car in front of me. I mean, I didn't even have my foot on the accelarator, so I was barely moving as it was, but here's the thing: The guy got out of his Honda Civic, came around to look at the paint scratch I caused, I rolled down my window and (in shock) I just said, "I'm sorry." And literally, he got in his car and just kept driving. WHO DOES THAT? No numbers exchanged, no insurance crap to deal with, he just figured it wasn't worth it and kept driving. For the record, I was not on my cell phone. No one was hurt, or anything like that, but still....he probably has about $150-$200 in paint damage to his car....shitty.

My first accident. And hopefully my last.

My friends seem to like to call me during "I love the 70s." Good thing it'll be re-run about a billion times. I loved Kermit's face as he kung fu-ed.

Last night, "I Love the 70s" on VH1 was on. I really didn't think I'd be able to connect with the early 70s, as I wasn't born until '77, but I was right there with most of it, except for Weebles and that H&R HufenPuff (or whatever it was called) show. All I gotta say is if I was 3 years old watching that show and saw that dragan/big colorful huge ugly thing, I would of freaked. out. I heart Michael Ian Black.

Oh, another thing.

I went to NY & Co. this weekend and bought a few shirts (Yes, I'm a girl and a geek and bought 4 shirts that my friends have to "approve" one of them for me to wear on this 'date' on Thursday night....I'm going for the "sophisticated ho" look....hee hee). Anyway, I also bought a necklace while I was there, and the sales chicky FORGOT to put it in my bag. Has this ever happened to anyone? They're never gonna believe me when I show them my bag and that they forgot to put it in there...sucky suck. I'm gonna pull the whole, "The customer is always right" and hope for the best.

Ok, so we have a date that the new H&M store is opening....Sept. 12. AND they're opening another one in Woodfield, too, for all you fellow FIBs out there.
:: freaks out ::

My friends, Shannon and Phil, decided to stay the whole weekend. The Webb Brothers were ok on Friday night (but I liked their opening band, "Office" more). I've come to realize a couple of differences between the shows in Detroit vs. Chicago. Shows in Detroit are so much better. The girls at Detroit shows do not dress like hos, nor are they rude. And what up with the dancing at the shows here? Maybe it was an off night, or maybe we're just Detroit snobs.

Shannon writes for this paper called "Real Detroit," and Phil's in this band called The Deadstring Brothers, so needless to say, we spent a lot of time listening and talking about music. I'm talking to Shannon about how disappointed the Liz Phair record is (it really IS that bad) and whenever I do this, undoubtedly, Shannon has interviewed whatever band I'm talking about. We started talking about The Donnas (she knows I heart them) and then tells me that she just interviewed Brett (Donna A). I asked Shannon if she mentioned their Target ad, and she said that she did and that Brett said, "Isn't it awesome?!" (not the answer I expected to hear). Apparently, they didn't mind sellin' out to Tar-jay.
Oh, another thing I found out is that Lionel Ritchie agrees with Shannon that the Nelly/kelly rowland duet is the new "Endless Love." Hearing this, I want her job.

We got up Sat., and I made them breakfast, then we proceeded to go shopping all day long. Phil is a really good shopper, for a boy. He went with us into all the vintage girly stores and even made shoe suggestions. Rock on. I then took them to IKEA, where they both spent all the rest of their money. Phil pointed out that amongst all the furniture named "Flutentogs" or "Klutenhopers" they had chairs named, "Harry." Do you think they just eventually ran out of Swedish names?

"I love the 70s" starts tonight. I'm sure I'll be watching it all this week. Will you?

So, my friends, Shannon and Phil are driving from Detroit tonight to see The Webb Brothers at the Double Door with me. They called me about 4 hours ago to tell me that they were driving and are on their way. Normally, the drive from Detroit to Chicago is about 5 hours total. Well, they just called again to say that they're STILL stuck in Michigan, in bumper-to-bumper traffic to Chicago. Apparently, everyone and their brother has decided to get outta Dodge, (funny enough, an actual city in Michigan) and head either north to their cottages, to Chicago, or wherever has power.

The whole thing just sounds like one huge, giant pain in the ass. I'm hoping The Webb Brothers play the fuck out of their set to make it worth their while. Beer always helps ease any stressful situation, too.

I just went to "Panda Express" for lunch, got a refill on my soda, and then proceeded to accidently dump the whole thing in my car as I was making a right hand turn. Son of a bitch.

If I had been in NYC, I wouldn't of even had access to a Panda Express and this whole thing would never of happened. I blame them. ;)

I'm in hell.

My co-worker (who's in her...mid-30s, I'm guessing) just got super excited when she put on a Rod Stewart CD. Hell, I tell you!

Update: Um, she just walked back in here (after being gone for 10 minutes), and said, "I'm missing my whole CD! Well, I guess I'll just have to listen to it all over again!"

::head explodes ::

Ok, take this for what it's worth, BUT....
On the radio this morning, we heard that Renee Zellweger (aka. Jack White's "ho"), is being paid $100,000 for every pound she gains (she's told to gain 30) to do Bridget Jones' Diary II. Fuck, I do that shit for free. Unfortunate, but true. Another reason why I hate her. Besides her annoying voice, squinty eyes, and Texas "charm."

Yesterday, my friend, Laura made me one of the happiest girls in the whole world. She told me that an H&M store is opening on Michigan Ave. here in Chicago. I'm like the poor woman's Carrie Bradshaw.

I just went balls out and asked a boy I've kinda been talking to out. I'll let you know how it goes.
Of course I did it via email, I'm not THAT ballsy. Guys are afraid of girls like me, I just know it.

I got my new Illinois license (FINALLY) yesterday (I probably should've done that oh, 2 months ago). But, of course, I went to like, the ONLY DMV in the state of Illinois that doesn't also provide titles and registrations. So, I have to find some other DMV that can handle that aspect for me. L-A-M-E. I had to take a written test, and I'm proud to say, I got a 97% on it. My favorite question, was something like, "If a bee flies into your car while driving, what do you do?"
A) Take your hands off the steering wheel and swat at it
B) Pull over to the side of the road, stop the car, get out and try to safely guide the bee out of your car
C) Speed up, roll down all your windows so that the wind takes the bee out of your car naturally.
D) A & C.

Seriously, my mom was right when she used to yell at drivers asking if they got their license out of a Cracker Jack box. I guess it was at the Illinois DMV instead.

I hope y'all had a good weekend...my friend, Chris, (who I've talked about before) was doing improv at The Green Door Tavern on Friday night. The show itself was downstairs in the basement, which used to be an old speakeasy. My old roommate, Katie, was a "guest star" in the show that night, and strapped on some giant balls and did a great job. The show was hilarious. I met the producer and he gave me free tickets to check it out again next time they perform. Chris was on ER this past week (a re-run). I missed it again because of my stupid flight home from Atlanta, but they taped it for me, so I'm excited to finally see it. He reminds me a lot of Chris Farley...except without all the drugs and hookers. We then headed over to Will's Northwood's Inn where my friend, Chad, bartends. Free drinks for everyone! As long as you have tits, that is.

I just ate a container of Columbo "Key Lime Pie" yogurt, and they want me to mail in my lid for some charity thing. I gotta tell ya, I would hate the job of having to sort through people's licked yogurt container lids. You know no one actually cleans those things off.

:: pukes ::

Thought this was kinda appropriate for today:

The Friday Five

1. What's the last place you traveled to, outside your own home state/country? Atlanta. See Below.

2. What's the most bizarre/unusual thing that's ever happened to you while traveling? I was robbed and solicited for sex in the same 24 hour period on my first day in Madrid, Spain. A man...who happened to not have a home, but I'd like to forget about that part, came up to me and in about 5 different languages said, "Are you Swiss? Norweigan? German? American? Swedish?" And then when I kept ignoring him, he finally said in his best broken English, "I want...to make love to you." Oh hell no, this is not happening.

Later that night, I was out in a bar with friends and someone pickpocketed me. As we were leaving the bar, I thought it was unusual my purse was open, so I started digging through it. These group of little old Spanish men and women came up to me and in Spanish (obviously) asked me if I was robbed. My friend, Erin, who had lived there, said, "no no...we're fine." And then I looked at her and said, "Erin, it's gone. My wallet's gone." Luckily, only $250 was stolen (sucky) but at least it wasn't my passport or plane tickets which I had taken out right before we left.

3. If you could take off to anywhere, money and time being no object, where would you go?
Right now, Greece. Without a doubt. Preferably on a chartered 50 ftyacht, jumping from island to island with my Italian boyfriend, Sergio.

4. Do you prefer traveling by plane, train or car?
Well, you can read what I feel about planes below...so I guess I'd have to say....car. You have the privacy that some creepy dude isn't going to listen in on you and your friends conversations, can listen to whatever music you want, and have the fun of putting together a mix cd. Actually, it's probably a lie, because when it comes down to it, as much as I'm afraid of flying, I like how quick it makes traveling.

5. What's the next place on your list to visit?
Probably to visit my friends Josh and Cody who just moved to LA. And I hate LA. So it's really just to see them.

I hate to say it, but there's a little part of me that's afraid to fly. I've flown all over the world without much incident (there was one really bad flight to London that people actually applauded when we landed...makes me wonder if anyone on that flight thought we'd be okay). But yesterday, while I was on the flight home from Atlanta, I sat next to a guy who whipped out his phone/palm thingy and started playing Tetris. I have this weird fear that any cellular phones, etc. may interfer with the pilot and we're all gonna crash. And yes, I KNOW this is an irrational fear.

So after glaring at his Tetris/phone game a few times, the flight attendant finally came up to him and said, "Is that a phone? You can't have that on." And he replied, "Oh, no, it's not on." She didn't really believe him and asked him to explain it to her, which is when he started getting annoyed. Finally, (I was about to burst) I jumped in and said, "But can you get calls on it right now?" And he explained to me that he couldn't, so it's not technically "on." I, (in my lame passive-aggressive way), laughed, apologized, and told him that I'm a little afraid of flying, and that I was gonna be really pissed if his stupid Tetris game was gonna be the reason we were going to crash to our deaths. He started laughing at me. I thanked him for trivializing my fear (jokingly).

So, thank you, Mr. Nameless Stranger, for helping me sort through my stupid fears about flying, which he wanted to hear. His favorite, he said, was that I write a will in my head of all the shit I'd give away if I died...("Cody, you can have my Nintendo for all those great Tetris games we played together....such a shame that the very game we so enjoyed is the reason why my plane crashed.") And who would really want my Neil Diamond record collection?

He asked if my fears stemmed from 9/11 (which they do). I told him about my first flight after 9/11, I was going from Detroit to Milwaukee (a regular terrorist flight path, I'm sure), and they told us to get there about 2 hours ahead of time. Well, I got there about 3 hours ahead of time (mind you, the flight itself is only 42 minutes long) and started drinking at one of the airport bars. I consumed 60 oz. of beer (no lie), passed out on the plane, and my poor parents were greeted by their only daughter who was still drunk. God bless 'em they're from Wisconsin and Catholic because seriously, beer is about the only vice we're allowed to have without any guilt, so they understood. I gotta say, though, that was probably one of the better flights I've had in my lifetime.

When the flight was done, the guy 'fived' me. Aw.

You are Cousin Oliver. Without you, The Brady
Bunch would have quit while it was ahead.


Which Brady Bunch character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I can't believe I'm fucking Cousin Oliver. The character the writers threw in to try and save the show before it failed. Yeah, I watched the Brady Bunch "True Hollywood Story" on E! I know what's up.

Is it bad that I'm also excited to see the Jenna Jameson True Hollywood Story? Yes, I know. But did you see her in her nerdy days?!

Place your bets, place your bets. After the Affleck/Lopez disaster "Gigli" hit theaters this weekend and (as anticipated) flopped, how long do you think it'll take Ms. Lopez to dump Sr. Affleck's ass. I bet 4 months. Tops.

Last night, I watched "The Daily Show," and my favorite quote of the evening was when Jon Stewart said to Dennis Leary, "So, Dennis, 'Gigli' came in behind "Finding Nemo" at the box office this weekend...hasn't Finding Nemo been out since like, '88?" Last night's show was hilarious....Dennis Leary kinda disappeared off the face of the earth for a while. Now that he has his new "roast" coming up Sunday on Comedy Central, he's making a bit of a comeback...while on his way out. Or something.

This weekend went way too fast. It was a weekend that's center is filled with a milk chocolatey goodness. The kind that once you're finished eating it, you're mad at yourself that maybe you ate it too quickly and wished that you had more, but they just discontinued your favorite kind, so you're left sitting there wishing that they'd make chocolate like that again, but you checked all the stores in a tri-state area, and they just don't. Just don't. But I don't wanna dwell on it too much, cause at least i was able to enjoy that chocolate when i could. And someday maybe, just maybe, they'll either bring it back in a 20th anniversary edition, or make something that can top it. But right now it just seems highly doubtful.

I have no idea what I'm talking about. Chocolate, wha?